CALLER:Is this Gordon's
Pizza?
GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google
Pizza.
CALLER:I must have dialed a
wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:No sir, Google bought
Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:OK. I would like to
order a pizza.
GOOGLE:Do you want your
usual, sir?
CALLER:My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:According to our
caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large
pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a
thick crust.
CALLER:OK! That’s what I
want …
GOOGLE:May I suggest that
this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and
olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:What? I detest
vegetable!.
GOOGLE:Your cholesterol is
not good, sir.
CALLER:How the hell do you
know?!
GOOGLE:Well, we
cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We
have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:Okay, but I do not
want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:Excuse me sir, but
you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our
database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX
Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:I bought more from
another drugstore.
GOOGLE:That doesn’t show on
your credit card statement.
CALLER:I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:But you did not
withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:I have other sources
of cash.
GOOGLE:That doesn’t show on
your last tax return unless you bought them using
an undeclared income
source, which is against the law.
CALLER:WHAT THE HELL?!!!
GOOGLE:I'm sorry, sir, we
use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:Enough already! I'm
sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm
going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone
service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:I understand sir, but
you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
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